But God... Part 2

(This story is the second of three, exploring why God allows circumstances and events to happen.)

God, the Poodle Clipper, and a Baby

As I shared with you, recently, our daughter’s death created a loving confrontation with my heavenly Father, as I struggled to reconcile her death with God’s character.  In my heart and personal quiet time, alone with the Lord, I repeatedly shared my pain with Him, asking that He heal my brokenness.  Two years and several miscarriages later, I was reading the Psalms, identifying with the psalmist’s highs and lows of emotion.  I have always loved King David as he exulted in God’s grace and mercy on the mountaintops of life and as he battled depression in the valleys of his life.  One morning, I read Psalm 37, and the Holy Spirit spoke verse four into my soul:  Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Suddenly, I had one of those epiphanies, an aha! moment, when the true meaning of that verse was made crystal clear.  I saw the root of bondage in my life from our daughter’s death, realizing that I had misunderstood one of the basic tenets of genuine faith.  God showed me that this verse was not about getting what we want from God.  Instead, it was about wanting to desire only what God desires to give.  In other words, it was not about making out a list of our desires and handing the list to God in order for Him to grant it.  Instead, it was about signing a blank list and handing it to the Lord, affirming our trust in His character and wanting only what He wished to give to us.

My entire prayer life began to change with that moment of understanding.  I began to pray, “Lord, I want a baby.  However, if you don’t want me to have a baby, then, I don’t want to want a baby.  God, I can’t change my heart, but you can.  Based on your character and the truth of your word, because I do delight in you, I can trust you to do one of two things.  Either you will give me a baby, or you will change my heart from yearning for one.  Victory comes not from getting what I want, but in wanting what you give.  Whichever you do, I will delight in you.”  The burden of bondage from defining God’s love by whether or not we had a baby was lifted.  I was free from unfulfilled expectations.  Joy and peace returned, and I began, again, to experience unfettered intimacy with the Lord.

Several months, later, I was visiting my mom and dad.  My younger sister had been given a dog by her boyfriend.  Let me just insert a little aside.  I do not have dogs.  I would never hurt one, but I do not want one.  At the end of the day, I do not want anything else looking to me for food, comfort, or shelter.  So, it was a miracle when I even noticed this sad, pitiful looking poodle.  “Mom,” I said, “that dog needs grooming.  It’s nasty.”

Mom replied that they simply could not afford to have the dog groomed.  The second miracle of the day occurred when, in an out-of-body moment, I heard myself respond, “I will pay for it.”  After Mom agreed to the proposition, I picked up the local neighborhood newspaper and began to randomly call dog groomers.  The first place I called was completely booked.  I called a second groomer.  Again, I was told her schedule was full.  Unperturbed, I commented, “Fine.  I will just do it myself.”  The groomer spoke in total dismay, “No, you will ruin the dog.”  My response?  “Lady, this dog is already ruined and I can only help this dog.”  Quickly, the lady said, “Just bring the dog.  If you don’t mind waiting, I will work the dog into the schedule.”

Triumphantly, I loaded the dog into my parents’ car.  (I wasn’t moved enough by the dog’s plight to put it in my car!)  After following directions to the groomer’s home, I walked the dog to the door only to be greeted by a precious little girl who was about the age our daughter would have been.  As I entered the shop area, I commented on what a beautiful daughter the groomer had.  She asked if I had any children; briefly, I told her our daughter had died.  She began to tell me that her little girl was the joy of her life and that they had adopted her as an infant.  Off handedly, I commented, “Perhaps that is what the Lord has for us.”

As the groomer worked my sister’s dog into her schedule, she began to tell me that she and her husband were to adopt another baby within six weeks but that her grandmother had broken her hip.  The groomer said she had no idea how she would be able to manage a new baby, caring for her grandmother as the primary caregiver, raising her little girl, and managing her grooming business.  My comment:  “I don’t know your grandmother, and I don’t want your dog business, but, I’ll take the baby.”

A short while, later, the groomer asked, “Were you serious about wanting a baby?”

“Yes.”

She said, “Call your husband.”

My husband, the engineer, listened patiently to my question, “Honey, do you want a baby?”

“Where are you?” he asked.

“At the poodle clipper’s,” I responded.

Wearily, he sighed, “Gerry, just stay wherever you are, and I’ll come pick you up.”

Long story short, six weeks later, following all of the legal protocol of the state where we lived, we picked up our five-day-old son on my birthday!  God had answered my prayer and the desire of my heart.

Two years later, I went to the doctor because of abdominal pain and nausea, only to discover I was three months pregnant, in spite of our precautions.  Our precious younger son was born six months later and nine days before my dad went home to be with the Lord.

The victory in my life, however, did not come with those two precious sons.  The victory came when I released my expectations of love on the Lord God, trusting Him to love me beyond my script, my box for love, and my bondage to a desire.

Is there an unfulfilled or unyielded expectation in your life which holds you in bondage?  Delight yourself in the Lord.  Trust Him to change your life or your heart.  Either way, you win!

- Next week, part 3, "Why Didn't She Want Me?" -

© 2010 Gerry Sisk

(04/14/10)